Once upon a time there was a little boy with a bad temper. His
father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper,
he should hammer a nail in the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails
into the fence. But gradually, the number of daily nails dwindled down. He
discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the
fence. Finally the first day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He
proudly told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull
out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed
and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were
gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. "You have
done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be
the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out, it won't matter how many times you
say 'I'm sorry', the wound is still there."
DEFINITIONS
The definition of Aversion is: Exaggerated wanting to be
separated from someone or something. (Exact opposite of Attachment) Because the
label of "unpleasant" is very relative and based upon limited information,
aversion includes an aspect of exaggeration or "projection". The definition
of Anger is: Being unable to bear the object, or the intention to cause
harm to the object. Anger is defined as aversion with stronger exaggeration.
PSYCHOLOGY
The basic problem according to Buddhism, is that emotions like anger and
hatred are based on projections and exaggeration, not on objectivity or
wisdom, and thus basically incorrect. There is little need to explain
what anger and hatred do to ourselves by means of the laws of karma; the
misery we cause others will come back at ourselves. Nobody wants suffering, so
next is a summary of methods which can not only reduce but even eliminate anger
and hatred from our minds. It must be emphasized that to completely
eliminate these negative emotions from our mind is a lengthy psychological
process, requiring study, mindfulness, reflection and honest observation of
one's own mind. To begin with, meditation is an ideal method to review a
situation in which one became angry (see the page on meditation).
This has the advantage that one is not exposed to the actual situation, but one
can review it much more objectively. When regular meditation gives some insight
into what anger is and what happens to oneself when feeling angry, then one can
gradually try to apply it in real-life situations, preferably of course before
one is already under complete control of anger. It is a slow process, but the
change in your life and the ones around you can profoundly change for the
better.
Is anger or hatred ever justified? As Allan Wallace writes in 'Tibetan
Buddhism from the Ground up':
"Righteous hatred" is in the same category as "righteous cancer"
or "righteous tuberculosis". All of them are absurd concepts.
This does not mean that one should never take action against
aggression or injustice! Instead, one should try to develop an inner calmness
and insight to deal with these situations in an appropriate way. We all know
that anger and aggression give rise to anger and aggression. One could say that
there are three ways to get rid of anger: kill the opponent, kill yourself or
kill the anger - which one makes most sense to you?
But of course not only Buddhists recognise the shortcomings of
anger, in the Bible for example in Psalm 37, 14-16 it reads:
"The angry ones draw their swords, the angry ones aim their bows To put
down the poor and the weakened and to kill those who walk on the path of
righteousness. But their sword hits their own heart, their bows will be
broken. With his poverty, the righteous one is richer than all the angry
ones in their abandance."
ANTIDOTE 1 - Patience. Patience is the main antidote to anger. As common
wisdom says: just count to 100... During this time, any of the below methods can
be effective. The most effective method will depend on the actual situation.
Especially in our age of rush and intense change, patience may not be seen as a
positive quality, but take a minute to think impatience can easily give rise to
a general feeling of anger.
ANTIDOTE 2 - Realization of the Noble Truth of Suffering. Once one
understands that problems and frustration is a basic fact of life, it can reduce
our impatience with our own unrealistic expectations. In other words: nothing is
perfect, so don't expect it. Because of my belief that things are or can be
perfect, it is easy to feel hurt.
ANTIDOTE 3 - Understanding Karma. As explained in the page on Karma, the real
reasons for our problems are our own actions, which are in turn caused by our
own negative states of mind. If someone makes us angry, it has a sobering effect
if we dare to think that the real reasons for this situation are our own past
actions, and the person is just a circumstance for our own karma to ripen.
ANTIDOTE 4 - Changing or Accepting. Basically, we can find ourselves in
two types of unpleasant situations: ones we can change and ones we cannot
change. - If I can change the situation, I should do something about it
instead of getting all worked-up and angry. Not acting in such a situation will
cause frustration in the end. - If I cannot change the situation, I will
have to accept it. If I don't, it will only lead to frustration and a negative
and unpleasant state of mind, which will make the situation only worse. For
some reasons unclear to me, Westerners (including myself) appear to have big
problems with accepting unpleasant situations which we cannot change. Could this
be a result of impatience (a form of anger) with imperfection (an unrealistic
expectation)?
ANTIDOTE 5 - Realistic Analysis. For example: someone accuses me of
something. - If it is true, I apparently made a mistake, so I should listen
and learn. - If it is untrue, the other person makes a mistake. So what?
Nobody is perfect. I also make mistakes, and it is all too easy to label the
other as "enemy", in which case a helpful discussion or forgiving becomes
difficult. It may also be worthwhile searching for the real underlying
reason of the problem. Of special importance is to evaluate one's own role in
the situation: my own fears, insecurity, being very unfriendly, or not being
blameless (like leaving home much too late for an appointment and blaming the 5
minutes delay of the train).
ANTIDOTE - Realization of Emptiness. See the page on Wisdom. To
summarize it briefly, if one deeply realizes the emptiness of inherent existence
or interdependence of the other person, the situation and oneself, there is
nothing to be angry about. The realization of emptiness is therefore the
ultimate means of ridding oneself of unrealistic negative emotions like anger.
ANTIDOTE 7 - Equanimity. Equanimity means that one realizes the basic
equality of all sentient beings; others want happiness, just like I do. Others
make mistakes just like I do. Others are confused, angry, attached just like I
often am. Is the other person happy in this situation, or just struggling like I
am?
ANTIDOTE 8 - Openness Be prepared to be open for the motivation of others
to do what causes you problems. Talking it over and being prepared to listen can
suddenly make a problem acceptable. Did you ever notice the difference when
a plane or train has much delay and nobody gives any reasons for it? People very
quickly become irritated and hostile. Then when the driver or pilot explains
there is a technical defect or an accident, suddenly waiting becomes easier.
ANTIDOTE 9 - Relativity. Ask yourself if this situation is actually
important enough to spoil your own and other people's mood. Is this problem
worth getting upset in a life where death can hit me at any moment?
ANTIDOTE 10 - Change Your Motivation. In case a situation is really
unacceptable, and another person needs to convinced that something is to be done
or changed, there is no need to become upset and angry. It is likely much more
efficient if you show of understanding and try to make the other understand the
need for change. If one needs to appear angry for some reason to convince the
other person of the seriousness of the situation, one can think like a parent
acting wrathful to prevent the child from harming itself.
In general, to be really effective one needs to reflect on quite a number of
aspects in one's own mind like; forgiveness, peace of mind, fears,
self-acceptance (no acceptance of others is really possible without
self-acceptance), habits, prejudices etc. A list of aspects to start with is
given in the page about the mind, under the 26
non-virtuous mental factors.
Remember to take sufficient time at each step below to remain calm
and concentrated.
1. Sit relaxed with a straight back, breathe deeply a few times
and start breathing with the belly.
2. Set your motivation for the session, for example:
May all living beings be equanimous, free from attachment, anger and
prejudice. May all living beings be happy and have the causes for future
happiness. May all living beings be free from suffering and the causes for
suffering. May they never be separated from the ultimate happiness,
free from all suffering.
3. Concentrate on the tip of your nose, feel the breath going in
and out. At every out-breath count 1, and count from 1 to 10. When you come at
10, simply start at 1 again. Focus all attention on the tip of the nose and the
counting. (some 5 minutes)
4. Release the counting and the concentration on the tip of the
nose.
5. Recall a situation that made you angry at someone. (Do not take
the most traumatic situation of your life or a complicated political issue to
begin with, rather a simple quarrel with someone.) 6. How does it feel to be
angry; pleasant or unpleasant? 7. How does the other feel; pleasant or
unpleasant? 8. Would the situation have changed if I had been more calm and
patient? 9. Was the situation completely outside my responsibility? 10.
What was the reason of the others' behaviour? Is it caused by attachment, anger,
ignorance, frustration? 11. What exactly made me angry; a stupid mistake,
stubborn or selfish behaviour? 12. Do I never make such a mistake? Do I
always treat people perfectly? 13. Can I expect others to be perfect all the
time, when I also do not manage that? 14. Try to become angry at the real
reason: attachment, selfishness, inconsiderateness etc. 15. Try to become
angry at your own selfishness, anger, attachment etc. 16. Can I forgive the
other for their human imperfections? 17. Take a few minutes to review the
meditation session so far, and try to reach a one line simple conclusion. 18.
Now concentrate very strongly on the conclusion without thinking about it, just
focus on your feelings. 19. Relax and dedicate the positive energy of the
session:
By the positive energy of this session: May all living beings be
equanimous, free from attachment, anger and prejudice. May all living
beings be happy and have the causes for future happiness. May all living
beings be free from suffering and the causes for suffering. May they
never be separated from the ultimate happiness, free from all
suffering.
