In order to have compassion for
others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.
In particular, to care
about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by
addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean– you
name it– to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to
run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, one's
whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and
hiding from it, one could open one's heart and allow oneself to feel
that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make
us far more loving and kind.
The tonglen practice is a
method for connecting with suffering– ours and that which is all around
us– everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering
and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method
for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter
how cruel or cold we might seem to be.
We begin the practice by
taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and who we
wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt,
you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that
child. Then, as you breathe out, you send the child happiness, joy or
whatever would relieve their pain. This is the core of the practice:
breathing in other's pain so they can be well and have more space to
relax and open, and breathing out, sending them relaxation or whatever
you feel would bring them relief and happiness. However, we often cannot
do this practice because we come face to face with our own fear, our own
resistance, anger, or whatever our personal pain, our personal stuckness
happens to be at that moment.
At that point you can
change the focus and begin to do tonglen for what you are feeling and
for millions of others just like you who at that very moment of time are
feeling exactly the same stuckness and misery. Maybe you are able to
name your pain. You recognize it clearly as terror or revulsion or anger
or wanting to get revenge. So you breathe in for all the people who are
caught with that same emotion and you send out relief or whatever opens
up the space for yourself and all those countless others. Maybe you
can't name what you're feeling. But you can feel it-– a tightness in the
stomach, a heavy darkness or whatever. Just contact what you are feeling
and breathe in, take it in– for all of us and send out
relief to all of us.
People often say that this
practice goes against the grain of how we usually hold ourselves
together. Truthfully, this practice does go against the grain of
wanting things on our own terms, of wanting it to work out for ourselves
no matter what happens to the others. The practice dissolves the armor
of self-protection we've tried so hard to create around ourselves. In
Buddhist language one would say that it dissolves the fixation and
clinging of ego.
Tonglen reverses the usual
logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure and, in the process, we
become liberated from a very ancient prison of selfishness. We begin to
feel love both for ourselves and others and also we being to take care
of ourselves and others. It awakens our compassion and it also
introduces us to a far larger view of reality. It introduces us to the
unlimited spaciousness that Buddhists call shunyata. By doing the
practice, we begin to connect with the open dimension of our being. At
first we experience this as things not being such a big deal or so solid
as they seemed before.
Tonglen can be done for
those who are ill, those who are dying or have just died, or for those
that are in pain of any kind. It can be done either as a formal
meditation practice or right on the spot at any time. For example, if
you are out walking and you see someone in pain– right on the spot you
can begin to breathe in their pain and send some out some relief. Or,
more likely, you might see someone in pain and look away because it
brings up your fear or anger; it brings up your resistance and
confusion.
So "on the spot" you can do
tonglen for all the people who are just like you, for everyone who
wishes to be compassionate but instead is afraid, for everyone who
wishes to be brave but instead is a coward.
Rather than beating
yourself up, use your own stuckness as a stepping stone to understanding
what people are up against all over the world.
Breathe in for all of us
and breathe out for all of us.
Use what seems like poison
as medicine. Use your personal suffering as the path to compassion for
all beings.