Confront your emotional pain -
your shock, fear, anger, and grief. Recognize that the hurt that has
occurred may have been very unfair and that these steps are not
meant to minimize the hurt involved.
that forgiveness can only be appropriate after you have processed
out your fear, anger, and grief. However, also realize that you can
set forgiveness as a goal in the future for your sake now! Recognize
that to continue to dwell on the anger and resentment involved in
the hurt will literally destroy your physical health, and cause you
great mental suffering.
New studies clearly show that anger
and resentment doubled the risk of myocardial heart attacks in women
with previous coronary problems. Other studies indicate cancer and
other deadly illnesses are also caused by anger and resentment. So
be willing, for your sake, to begin to process out these deadly
emotions as soon as possible.
that love is what you ultimately want for yourself from
4. Understand that forgiveness does not
condone or approve or forget the harmful acts; forgiveness does not
allow yourself to be abused. We forgive the doer, not the doing.
Remembering this helps us to break harmful cycles of
5. Realize that you are the only person
responsible for your own feelings and for healing the hurt that is
going on inside of you.
that you are so powerful that usually you had some part in what
happened. Be willing to totally face up to that part and accept
forgive and love that part).
See this situation as an
opportunity for healing and for growth. See that the other person
involved has revealed to you through his or her actions where there
was a wounded spot in you which needed healing.
8. Start releasing anger, sadness, grief, and fear
through the many processes, therapies and therapists available. Have
a person to work with who can truly empathize with you, yet who can
be objective and help you shift your perception from blame to
9. Decide to forgive. Even if this decision is half-hearted at
first, it will probably lessen your hurt and anger
Notice that this decision can be difficult
because after you have processes out the anger, resentment and
grief, you will have to give up the grudge - the being the "victim",
the "being right" and making the other person "wrong". Notice that
this is "superior" position which can be used to get a lot of
self-righteous attention. Be willing, for your sake to have the
courage to get off that "superior" position.
Be willing to find a new way to
think about the person who wronged you. What was his or her life
like growing up? What was his or her life like at the time of the
offense? What were this person's good points up to the time of the
hurt? Notice you may not be able to see much good within until you
have processed out your anger and/or grief or fear.
11. Be aware that being
forgiving is a courageous act on your part. It has nothing to do
with whether the other person can admit they are wrong. You are
forgiving to liberate yourself no matter what the other person
decides to do.
willing to do and learn whatever it takes to forgive. Commit to do
processes, to read courageous stories of forgiveness, to write in
journals, to see a therapist, to do training’s, or to do whatever it
takes to heal the wounds involved. Remember these wounds may be
deeply tied to past hurts going back to your interactions with your
parents. Resolve to follow them through for your total healing, even
if it involves years of effort to heal. Remember that you are
determined to find the true happiness and joy that true forgiveness
can bring to your life.
If you believe in a Higher Power, be willing to pray on this problem
and to turn to this Higher Power for guidance and assistance in the
Accept the lessons involved in this incident — our lives are
laboratories for learning. What have you learned from this event
that is invaluable to you? Has some form of attachment to a belief
or beliefs a position has caused you the pain involved? What belief
or beliefs were involved?
15. See that everything is okay; possibly
perfect, as it is now.
If you have the willingness and it is appropriate, seek
feedback from the other person by being willing to say "I'm sorry
that I did..." (whatever it is that you feel contributed to the
17. Regardless of
what the other person does, work towards seeing them with love and
goodness. Know that therefore love and goodness are thus flowing to
you for your mental and physical health and