Please don't take any of this serious!
The geothermics of hell
Language in the EU
Southern California Driver's License Application
Welcome to Indian Airways
Facts about life on TV
Bill Gates goes to heaven
Microsoft versus Apple
Microsoft versus General Motors
Valuable Lessons from Our Parents
THE GEOTHERMICS OF HELL
Who says religion and science aren't compatible???
The following is an actual question posed on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only "A" given.
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LANGUAGE IN THE EU
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications,
rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of negotiations, Her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Eurish for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent leters like "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.
By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters like droping the "a" from "ea".
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrion vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
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SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENCE APPLICATION
Stage name: ___________________
Manicurist/Hair stylist ___________
Sex: __ male __ female __ formerly male __formerly female __ both __
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes ___ No ___
Occupation: [ ] Lawyer [ ] Actor/Waiter [ ] Filmmaker/Self-employed [ ] Writer [ ] Car Dealer [ ] Panhandler [ ] Agent [ ] Hooker/Transvestite [ ]
Other; please explain: ______________
Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in car: ____
Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex.______
Please list: Brand of cell phone: __________. (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Green [ ]
Skinheads: Please list shade of hair plugs __________.
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat [ ] Having sex [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [ ] Snorting cocaine [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the Net via your laptop [ ] Have therapy
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) you expect to be shot at while driving ____
If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime [ ]
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase [ ]
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through [ ]
d) Call your therapist [ ]
e) None of the above (South Central residents only) [ ].
Please indicate if you drive a:
a) Beamer [ ]
b) Lexus [ ]
c) Mercedes [ ]
d) BMW 7 series [ ]
e) If other brand, please explain ________. and add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car [ ]
b) keep driving and hope for the best [ ]
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones [ ]
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel? [ ]
e) call your therapist [ ]
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH [ ]
b) drive twice as fast as usual [ ]
c) call your therapist
d) you're not sure what "rain" is. [ ]
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications? a) Prozac; b) Zovirax; c) Lithium; d) Zantax; e) Viagra. If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 3 hours [ ]
b) 4 hours or more [ ]
c) if less than 3 hours, please explain __________________________________________________________
When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready [ ]
b) call your lawyer [ ]
c) call your therapist [ ]
d) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way [ ]
e) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit? [ ]
f) reload before coming to a complete stop. [ ]
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WELCOME TO INDIAN AIRWAYS
"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Banta Singh
welcoming you to Indian Airways.
We apologise for the four days delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery of my uncle. This is flight one-two-six to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will be ending up somewhere in India. Indian Airways is having an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to flying with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have been reaching their destination. For the ones that do not make it, Indian Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the family.
Our stewardess Bubbly will be happy briefing you on our out-of-court settlement policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange turning them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits.
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from television last month. But for the movie fan, we will be flying right next to flight six-five-nine from Air India, and their movie will be visible from the windows on the right side of the cabin .
There is no-smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin should only come from the engines, so please tell us if you see smoke. Free life jacket are positioned under your seats, but please return them to our staff after use.
For catching important landmarks, we try to flying as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know.
Kindly be seating, keeping your seat in an upright position for taking off and fastening your belt. For those of you who cannot find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate getting in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.
As your suitcase will be missing at our arrival in Delhi, please contact the "Lost and Never Found" desk in New Delhi airport, where we will be serving you with a complimentary cup of tea.
Sorry, but I will not be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please feel at home and help yourself to the cockpit.
Thank you for choosing Indian Airways. Have a nice journey.
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FACTS ABOUT LIFE ON TV
- 50 Things you would never know if it weren't for TV!-
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises
wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police is always wrong.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a completely straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating >accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red displays, showing exactly when the device will detonate.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
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BILL GATES GOES TO HEAVEN
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized
up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
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Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG, 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.
NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.
Sign warning of quicksand:
ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS
WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT:
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
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MICROSOFT VERSUS APPLE
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to
a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and
watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket" says one perplexed Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please"...
Personal note: I do use a Window-based PC, but....
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MICROSOFT VERSUS GENERAL MOTORS
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the external radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Bill Gates' response has not been made public.
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "You boring woman, I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "You women never understand, it's just fun. There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. If anything, it means; "I haven't heard what you said."
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but sorry, I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I can think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "Help, it didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please stop trying on any more dresses, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
VALUABLE LESSONS FROM OUR PARENTS
All the things my mother taught me:
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
FLEXIBILITY - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - Stop acting like your father!"
What my father taught me:
LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."
OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
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Updated April 22, 2001