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Have your eating and drinking in common. I bind you
together. Assemble for worship of the Lord, like spokes around a hub.
Of one mind and one purpose I make you, following one leader. Be like
the Gods, ever deathless! Never stop loving!
Atharva Veda 3.30.6-7. VE

Monday
LESSON 141
The Ideals Of Marriage
Marriage is an institution, a business, a spiritual
partnership, a furtherance of humanity and a contract -- a three-level
contract involving body, mind and emotion. Marriage is a necessary
commitment not only for the continuation of the human race but also for
the furtherance of each individual soul's spiritual unfoldment. The
interaction on all levels between the couple, and later their children,
molds the good, bad and confused karmas into new dimensions. Saivite marriages involve not only the bride and groom but also their parents, their priest, guru,
astrologer, relatives on both sides and the entire community. The
feeling of responsibility to the community is ever present. The
community's feeling of responsibility to make each of its marriages
work out well is also always present.
Why are Saivite
marriages different from other kinds of marriages? It is because of the
ever-abiding belief in the ever-present oneness of God Siva within each
one. God Siva is within you, and you are within God Siva. God Siva is
the Life of our lives. This and more the Saivite saints sang. To forget
that Siva is within the wife, to forget that Siva is within the husband
is to forget Saivism itself. This basic Saivite belief lays the
psychological foundation for the husband to see the wife as a Goddess
and the wife to see the husband as a God. All other behavior comes out
of this belief. Belief creates attitudes, and attitudes create actions.
The knowing that each one has come into life to work out certain karmas they brought with them in this birth, and that karmas are generally worked out through other people, gives a challenge and a goal -- to resolve these karmas and receive the reward of mukti,
freedom from rebirth. Because of this belief, this understanding, the
husband and wife blend their energies more constructively. Their
attitudes are naturally more generous, forgiving and understanding,
their actions and interactions more harmonious and mutually supportive.
A woman gives her prana, spiritual energy, to her husband, making him strong. Children give their prana to their parents, because to them the parents are Siva-Shakti, the first guru.
The wife, always attending to her husband's needs, sets the pattern for
the children. By focusing her energies within her family, she builds up
a great spiritual vibration in the home. In fulfilling his purusha dharma, the husband gives his prana,
love and loyalty to his family, and he benefits the community through
his service. He never, ever raises his voice in the home; nor does he
show anger in any way. He is the model for the entire family. When his
sons come of age, they join their pranas with his, and as a result, the family, the community and the country flourish.
Believing
in reincarnation, the parents know that their relatives -- and they
themselves -- will be born back into their family again and again to
work out their unfinished karmas. A Saivite home is a karmic factory, a recycling of souls, a mill that grinds exceedingly fine the seed karmas of this and past lives.
Tuesday
LESSON 142
Mysticism In the Home
The Saivite Hindu lifestyle is very special, very binding, strengthened by: the pancha nitya karmas; the
Monday family home evening and the daily family meetings; the knowing
that each child is and has been totally a part of the family, maybe for
hundreds of years; the knowing that there is karma to be worked
out within the family -- feelings of happiness, unhappiness and
misunderstandings, all to be resolved; and the knowing that there is a
purpose for them all being together and that they may all be together
until mukti, liberation from the cycle of rebirth. All this and
more distinguishes the Saivite family from all other families on the
planet.
It is on the astral plane, the inner world of this
world, that twenty-four-hour life takes place. Beings there do not have
to sleep. The positive activity of the astral world within the house or
the apartment transforms it into a home, or if negative into a hotel
room. To stabilize this astral activity and make sure it is positive,
the home puja is performed by every Saivite family daily. Scriptures are read, the yamas and niyamas are fulfilled and all difficulties, large and small, are resolved before sleep. Divine ancestral devas are coaxed to live in the home, as well as devas
from nearby temples where the family frequently worships. This magic
makes the home into a spiritual abode, not unlike a temple itself.
Children
are always treated with great respect and awe in a true Saivite home,
for one does not always know who these young ones were in past lives.
They may be incarnations of a grandmother, grandfather, aunt or uncle,
dearly beloved mother, sister, brother, respected father, distant
related yogi or rishi. Who are they? What is their destiny to fulfill in this life?
The answers lie in the voice of the universe, the mystical Saivite astrological system laid down by the rishis of
yore. The family's astrologer carefully explains the nature of each
child, and how it will develop, flourish and unfold year after year.
This gives the parents knowledge and hope, courage and understanding,
tolerance and forgiveness, and all the other fine qualities that all
Saivites want to cultivate within themselves. In raising the children
and simultaneously realizing that each is a part of Siva's well-ordered
universe and has entered the family with his or her own prarabdha karmas to
be lived out, the parents are neither excited nor dismayed when the
predicted characteristics begin to manifest within the child. Yes, the
Saivite home is a factory, an intricate mechanism manufacturing
spiritual unfoldment for every member of the family.
Wednesday
LESSON 143
Bringing Up Children
Many families look at their children as intruders,
as strangers. Saivites don't. There is great power and wisdom in the
knowledge of astrology in bringing the necessary information to the
parents to know the nature of their new arrival. Non-Hindu families
generally do not have this kind of insight into the nature and future
of their offspring and are generally at a loss to understand or know
how to deal with patterns and developments as they arise.
Hindu
parents view each child as an adult in a very young body, growing up
into the fulfillment of its potential. Using the knowledge gained
through astrology, they work to strengthen the strong character traits
and never aggravate the weaker or antagonistic ones. This is to say
that should the child have a propensity toward anger, jealousy and
argumentativeness, and another propensity toward generosity, creativity
and acquisition of knowledge, the wise parents will, of course, never
argue with the child, because they do not want to awaken and strengthen
this quality; they would carefully refrain from angering the child and
quickly quell the anger when it flares up. In order to avoid
strengthening the tendency toward jealousy, they would seek to secure
the child's relationship with friends and things so that he never felt
unloved or disadvantaged. They would praise his creativity, generosity
and acquisition of knowledge. For all this he would be rewarded with
kind words and gifts, because once these tendencies are strengthened,
the negative ones will fall aside.
This example is given to
explain the way in which mother and father must work together to
formulate patterns of positive discipline that they will understand and
implement in the same way, so as to bring out the best qualities within
the child. When these best qualities are brought up and become a part
of the child's daily life, the worse qualities will naturally be
subdued by the best qualities. It is an interactive mechanism within
the child himself that brings him closer to perfection. Non-Saivite
families often bring up the worst within their child, and the child has
to, for his own salvation, leave home to be with people of a higher
nature, a more expanded consciousness, who will strengthen his finer
qualities, or be drawn to those of a lower nature, who will strengthen
his lesser qualities. Everyone is on the path to perfection, and they
are instinctively and superconsciously seeking out those who are
capable and able to help them progress. Saivites want this to happen
within the home itself, and hence welcome the involvement of the guru, the swamis and the entire community.
Because
people are human, differences arise. If everyone were the same,
humanity would be called a herd, with the instinctive nature the
predominant functioning intelligence. But humans are not a herd; they
are individuals, each and every one of them. Each has a destiny and on
the path to fulfill that destiny must go through an intricate series of
unique experiences. Saivites appreciate the differences. If any
sameness exists, it is because of the shared understanding of the Saiva
Dharma and each one's ability to live up to it in his own way, helped
or restricted by his prarabdha karmas. In our own Saivite
organization -- a worldwide family it has been called -- a pilgrim can
visit a mission in Canada, California, Malaysia, Singapore, Mauritius
or India, and experience his brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers,
aunts and uncles. This worldwide extended family exists because of
their shared, basic Saiva beliefs and attitudes, and their striving to
live up to the culture and sadhanas in their own way, only being helped or inhibited by their prarabdha karmas.
Thursday
LESSON 144
The Roles of Man and Wife
Is there anything unique in the Saivite marriage
that helps in dealing with the roles that men and women traditionally
play? Are women always to be meek and dependent and men aggressive and
in charge? Sometimes an aggressive woman marries a passive man. How
does Saivism deal with this?" This totally depends on the education of
both the husband and the wife. This has been my experience. When the
modernization of education occurred, which taught people how to live in
the world, run a business or work for someone else, family life began
to evolve out of the village consciousness and into the technological
age. In this change, traditional roles also changed.
Today
there are five basic patterns of marriage. In an agricultural
community, women take care of the house, and men take care of the farm,
the business and industry; or in some other societies where women are
stronger, they work side-by-side with the men. There, for a man to have
his wife work side-by-side with him in the field is a sign of status,
better meals for the family and more attention to himself. Also we must
understand that in these marriages both husband and wife share a
similar educational level, a similar understanding of how the world
works. This is the first and oldest pattern.
However, as
society changes because of technology and industrialization, people
change and their relationships change. I have found that a
Western-educated man who marries an Eastern village-educated girl will
always be head of the house, and she will allow this. Basically, she
does not understand the ways of urban life. This is the second type of
marriage. The educated man marrying an uneducated girl will not expect
her to understand what he is thinking about or feeling. And she would
probably not understand even if he explained it all to her. She would
naturally be submissive; he would be aggressive.
It has been
my experience that it works exactly the same the other way around in
cases where the woman is more highly educated than the man. The
intellectually educated lady marrying an uneducated man would most
likely be the principal wage-earner, and he would be submissive. She
will naturally make the major decisions about how to spend her money.
He will naturally concur. Or, they will fight. This third, more
difficult, relationship will demand a leader and a follower, especially
if she earns more money than he and has more job security and greater
benefits, such as medical insurance and retirement.
The second
and third types of marriage share a common factor. A village girl has
no way of earning her own living, should her husband die or leave her,
and would have no recourse but to return to her family, unless he left
her a substantial bequest or alimony. A nonprofessional village man
would have no other recourse than to seek his own level of income
should his educated wife die or leave him without providing a generous
support or inheritance.
Friday
LESSON 145
Special Types Of Marriage
The fourth type of marriage, like the first, is
between those of similar educational backgrounds. Here, though, each is
sophisticated, has professional skills and could be a wage-earner in
his or her own right. Within these marriages, even though the skills
may not be used, they are a potential source of income and security.
This fourth rule book, which has been written more recently by the
actions and experiences of various couples and the societies in which
they live, is most important to elaborate on. Two fairly equally
educated people should work in unanimous agreement, in partnership, in
all things regarding raising of the children and management of the
home.
The first three rule books are fairly well set, and
society understands them. They have been functioning for hundreds and
thousands of years. In the fourth type of marriage, men and women meet
in equality through intelligence developed and cultivated through
Western education, Western experience and the equal ability to be wage
earners. The intellect, intelligence, has no sex; it is equal. To apply
agricultural village traditions to these marriages would be to foster
contention, misunderstanding and feelings of rejection, leading to
possible separation. Two potential wage earners living together must
themselves reach consensus on every issue.
The fifth type of
marriage is more religious, more spiritual. Here the couple has blended
together for the purpose of fulfilling religious aspirations, for
ministry, producing sons for the monastery or future priests and pandits. These lofty marriages have definite guru involvement and swami involvement. The couple is intent on practicing yoga and
serving their religion selflessly as missionaries, exemplars and
teachers. My Saiva Siddhanta Church encourages each couple to write a
two-part marriage contract. Part one is the mutual agreement, laying
out the overall purpose of the marriage and the aspirations and goals
that the union hopes to fulfill. The other part is a statement of the
duties and responsibilities of each of the partners. This
semi-corporate approach has proven successful in stabilizing many
marriages, as each partner clearly understands his or her role.
Any
couple following any of the other four types of marriage could move to
the fifth at the right time. They would ultimately take the brahmacharya vrata,
later in life, after a decision was made to have no more children, and
then live together as brother and sister. This is traditional within
Saivite culture and consistent with community expectations.
Saturday
LESSON 146
Marital Harmony
One might ask about the traditional role of the husband as guru
of the wife, whether he should give in equally to her views when
difficulties arise or expect most of the compromise to come from her.
In the ideal of the husband's being the guru in the family, the word guru simply means teacher. So, to be a guru
in the household means that he is a very religious, knowledgeable,
understanding, humble husband who is kind, honest and respected in the
community as an exemplar. Otherwise, the ideal of family guru does not
apply, and more of a partnership arrangement between spouses is the
default in today's world.
People are held in bondage in many
ways -- physical bondage, emotional bondage, intellectual bondage. In
India's Hinduism, unfortunately, as in many other societies on the
Earth, disproportionate numbers of women are still not educated, while
the men more often are. Therefore, the woman is held in intellectual
bondage, sometimes not even being able to count to a hundred and only
being able to, and expected to, gossip in the marketplace and bargain
for food. Naturally she would follow the religion of her husband.
Naturally she would also depend on him fully for guidance in all other
matters, financial and otherwise.
But times have now changed,
and many Hindu women have been educated and can formulate their own
opinions through the reasoning processes of their own minds, talk
intelligently among themselves and arrive at pragmatic conclusions. The
guru-disciple relationship does not exist in marriages of this
kind. She does not need to learn anything from her husband. In most
cases she has sufficient skills to be financially independent.
Therefore, the relationship is not that of a guru and student, but is more like a business partnership, the fourth type of marriage.
Their
business is birthing children and raising them to be good citizens,
maintaining a harmonious home by reconciling differences before sleep,
even if they are reconciled a few hours after dawn, maintaining the
family budget, paying all of the bills on time, saving for their
children's higher level of education, seeing to the children's being
settled in a life of their own, paying off the mortgage on the house,
preparing for retirement, seeing to the spiritual upliftment of the
community by contributing to the local temple society, maintaining a
shrine room in their home, and hiring a local priest to perform house
ceremonies and certain samskaras within the home. To fulfill all of this, a fair, professional attitude toward one another must be maintained.
Professional
people in large corporations do not argue endlessly before
reconciliation, nor do they undermine each other, lest they soon find
themselves looking for another place of employment. Divorce in this
modern time is like being dismissed, fired, and then the search is on
for another partner with whom the same unresolved karma will finally mature. This is because we are born with certain prarabdha karmas to be lived through, if not with one person, then with a surrogate. The way to avoid creating new kriyamana karmas is to face up to the karmas with the first spouse rather than with a second, third or fourth, which would create a kukarma, or bad karma, mess along the way to be later cleaned up, if not in this life, then hopefully in the next life.
It
is said that the wife should see the husband as Siva and he should see
her as Shakti, which is often misconstrued as putting him in a superior
position. The only up-down situation is the educated husband married to
an illiterate wife, yet even here the relationship should be one of
love and mutual respect. Siva and Shakti are totally and equally
interrelated as far as Saiva Siddhanta philosophy is concerned, and
cannot exist without one another. Therefore, is the husband Siva, and
is she Shakti? It's a yes and no answer. In Saiva Siddhanta, Siva and
Shakti are two aspects of a one Being, Siva being the unmanifest
Absolute and Shakti being the manifest Divinity.
If the wife
is as capable as the husband in the external world and the intellectual
world, emotional world and physical world, there is no up-down
relationship between them, and they are Siva and Shakti, absolutely
equal. The old system of male dominance originated in early human
societies when physical strength -- for war, hunting and heavy muscular
effort -- was a prime survival factor. It was perpetuated as the way of
life in villages of preindustrial India, Europe and early America,
where the man received the education and the woman, as a rule, did not.
To apply this system in today's sophisticated technological societies
would be to plant the seedlings of the destruction of the marriage.
Sunday
LESSON 147
Commitment To Harmony
Traditionally, every Hindu family should have a family kulaguru, a preceptor who knows the flow of karma within all the family connections and the birth dharma of the family itself. To be without a kulaguru is likened to a child being without its parents.
One
of the greatest disruptive forces in a marriage is the amateur
psychiatrist or psychologist practicing on his or her spouse. This
tactic for solving problems is totally unacceptable. Such efforts,
however well-intended, to straighten out a spouse through subconscious
analysis are antagonizing, disruptive and hurtful emotionally and
mentally. All these psychiatric games are based on the principle,
"Something is wrong with you, and I'm going to straighten it out. Come
to me. I have all the solutions." Saivism is different. It is based on
the principle that you are perfect. The only problem is that you don't
know it. Let's talk ourselves into our own perfection through reading
scripture, praying, doing Sivathondu together, doing japa together, to lift our consciousness into the perfection that is always there.
If
your spouse is trying to hurt you, protect yourself in the Sanatana
Dharma as your first line of defense. Recognizing that this is your karma, fulfill your dharma fully, be it stri dharma or purusha dharma, the best you understand it. The Vedas assure us that truth always wins over evil (Mundaka Upanishad 3.1.6).
It is the wife's duty to uplift the husband, the husband's duty to
uplift the wife. A husband bent on hurting his wife could not outlast
-- his hurtfulness could not survive -- the wife's chanting "Aum, Aum,
Aum" all day long and placing spiritual vibrations into his food. In
this way, good overcomes evil, ahimsa overcomes himsa, dharma overcomes adharma.
This is why we are born on this planet, to evolve through such
challenges. We are here for no other reason. But should the husband
ever become physically violent, the wife should take the children and
run to safety. She should stay in a safe place until he has undergone
counseling, made amends to her and to the congregation, asked the
family guru to prescribe a penance and fully performed that penance.
When
families who are trying to meditate and unfold spiritually go through
times of internal or external violence they should not practice raja yoga or other forms of meditation. This will only aggravate and worsen the situation. Yoga practices are not for them. What they should do is Sivathondu, or karma yoga, bhakti yoga and simple japa yoga.
That is all. If a disharmonious situation comes up between husband and
wife, they must resolve it before they go to bed, even if they must
stay up all night into the light of day.
Sleep puts the
problem to rest over a period of two or three nights, and it will
eventually fade into the memory patterns of forgetfulness over a longer
period of time. Having sex does not solve the problem. It puts the
problem into seed, into the memory patterns of current forgetfulness,
and these will definitely materialize at another time. Sex and sleep
are not solutions to marital disputes. One is immediate postponement
and the other is a slower postponement. To resolve a conflict between
husband and wife, lest it affect the lives of the children by being
postponed into forgetfulness, it must be done before sleep. There is no
other way. This is the way husbands and wives catalyze their spiritual
unfoldment on the path and develop themselves. Another reason sex is
not a solution to disharmony is that babies that are conceived in a
union that is supposed to settle a squabble are more often than not
invoked from the Narakaloka. Such children might harass the family for
the rest of their lives.
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