Emotions & Feelings

This section deals with Emotional Health; Understanding your own emotional history and patterns; the healthy and unhealthy forms of Anger; Catharsis; the healthy and unhealthy forms of Fear, Grief, Admiration, Guilt; Envy; False Guilt (Shame); the three levels of Love, and Joy.

After each part you can link back to the Contents Page if you do not wish to scroll to the end to find that link.



What is a person in ideal emotional health like? Here are some ideas adapted from notes given out in a seminar by Edith Stauffer. Study these carefully for clues to improving your own emotional health.


Some characteristics of good emotional health

A person with sound emotional health

1. Behaves in the long run in such a way as to help herself and others. She does not for unconscious reasons spend her life hurting herself and others.

2. Has a genuine subjective sense of freedom of choice and thus needs to use a minimum of rationalisations for his actions. Can use his will to set goals and attitudes consciously and with goodwill towards self and others.

3. Is able to function in accordance with her potentials, in other words, can achieve a high degree of self-realisation.

4. Can postpone need gratification, can sacrifice for the moment in order to attain long-term goals and objectives.

5. Can give of himself fully in deep and lasting and meaningful emotional relationships. He can be both spontaneous and controlled, depending on how he feels and what the situation calls for.

6. Tends not to enter into neurotic interactions. A neurotic interaction exists when partner A in a relationship unconsciously provokes or encourages in partner B a behaviour or an attitude of which partner A consciously disapproves. It is a cry from A for love, an expression of unmet need for which A is not taking adequate responsibility. Abilii (see later) is essential if you are to prevent this happening in your life.

7. Is capable not only of intellectual reality testing, but also of emotional reality testing. We can define emotional reality testing as the ability to perceive the world in terms of emotional reality, to sensitively know what oneself and others are feeling, and to lovingly include that awareness in choosing one's responses and behaviour.

8. Does not deny or hide her feelings from herself. Has a high degree of inner security, and thus feels a minimal need for using defence mechanisms such as repression, suppression, projection, rationalisation, intellectualisation etc. Therefore is not controlled or driven by emotional reactivity.

9. Is capable of learning by experience, and of modifying his reactions when he sees they work against him. Flexible, not rigid. Can see his own mistakes with compassion, humour, even joy, and profit by them, thus gaining wisdom .

10. Has no anxieties. Fear is healthy and necessary for survival, but anxiety is irrational fear, a fear with no adequate referent in the world of reality, and is an important characteristic of some emotional disturbances. Can give herself permission to take risks when necessary to achieve important purposes.

11. Can forgive, and love, self and others unconditionally.

12. Feels a deep identification and inter-relatedness with worldkind.

13. Feels loyalty and sense of belonging to the patterns of family, community, country, planet and cosmos.

14. Has faith in and love for something "higher" than him/herself. Has reverence for Life.

15. Has knowledge of her own highest values and purpose and can guide her choices and actions accordingly.

16. Can balance the "opposite" psychological energies within his own psyche - e.g. self-criticism with self esteem and approval, caution with venturesomeness, sadness with joy and gratitude, fear with courage, etc.

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Making friends with (even taming) the so-called negative emotions.

We do this by understanding their underlying or original beneficial purpose, the way they can become distorted if their original purpose is not fulfilled, their safe natural expression, their catharsis or release if overly stored in the body, and their transformation into qualities of the Higher Self. Sustained negative emotions cause disturbance in the flow of life energy in quite specific meridians, which can be tested for using kinesiology. It could be said that trying to solve the presenting problem is not the problem at all - the task is to practise the quality that will neutralise the prevailing negative emotion.

It is important as you read this to be aware of:-

1. How much medication is prescribed world-wide to "treat" or suppress the effects of the sustained distortions of the primary emotions - for example, anti-adrenergic drugs, tranquillisers, anti-depressants, and drugs for the psychosomatic diseases and muscle tension.

2. The amount of alcohol and tobacco consumed for the "stress" of the sustained distortions of the primary emotions, because people have not known how to do it differently .

3. Of the total cost of these in both money terms and in human and animal life and suffering. If you can become aware of when you have gone off course into a distortion of a primary emotion, then you can more easily self-correct yourself. Vigilance and will are used to restore and maintain a truer course through the processes of forgiveness (see later).

Each of the emotions is described under the following headings - purpose, distortions (the way we usually see them expressed), their safe and harmless release, their higher transformation, and the opportunities to develop qualities from our Higher Selves being presented .

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Review of Emotional Experiences - an exercise

(a) Aggressive energy.

This exercise is adapted from Pierro Ferrucci's book, "What We May Be". Its purpose is to take an inventory, to explore your emotional reality in a compassionate, understanding and constructive way, so you can see what changes you want to make in your emotional patterning.


1. What situations tend to provoke it?

2. How do you know it - body sensations?

3. What is your style? Explode? Deny it? Despise it? Harvest it for later? Enjoy it? Criticise? Pique? Say "Yes" when you mean "No!"? Stew? Plot revenge? Get pain somewhere or get ill? Repress your feelings? Express your feelings clearly, without putting the other(s) down? Fail to experience it at all?

4. What are your favourite strategies for handling your own aggressive energy? For handling others' aggressive energy?

5. Write about your childhood experiences with it? What did your parents do? Your siblings/ Teachers? Any significant experiences? What decisions did you make? What beliefs did you acquire about it all? Do you still believe them and act out of them? Do they still work well for you? If not, what would work better? Find examples.

Similar exercises could be repeated for (b) "fear", (c) "grief", (d) "admiration/jealousy/envy", (e) "guilt", (f) "self-hate", (g) "love" (conditional, tough, and unconditional), and (h) joy.

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We will now consider the main emotions in order - anger, fear, grief, admiration, guilt, love, joy.

Under each we will consider the purpose of the healthy forms of these, the distortions which give so much trouble, the safe method of release, the mode of transformation, and the spiritual opportunity offered by the experience of it.



An increase in energy to produce beneficial change in the environment, whether it is the correction of injustice, survival, or assertion of one's genuine needs.


To sulk, grudge, blame or scapegoat others, become critical, silently withdraw, plot revenge. To attack, to take on the "Perpetrator" role or stance in life. OR tears (pseudo-grief). OR Explosions and fear of consequences then repression and sense of powerlessness, with hate, (pendulum swings between "victim" and "perpetrator" roles). OR guilt. OR sweet "yes-negativity" - the "Doormat" stance. OR despair, self-hate, illness. etc. AND chain reactions of anger in others and ourselves. Tertiary angers (don't look like anger, but pass it on): Being late, making mistakes, "forgetting", never quite coming to agreements or keeping them, interrupting, justifications, acting confused, giving the "silent treatment", having accidents, with denial of anger.


Move it out of the body harmlessly as soon as possible. Beat or strangle it out (hose and pillow, beat carpet, strangle a towel etc.).




Missing qualities of the Higher Self seeking expression - Compassion . Unconditional Love without loss of spiritual strength. Strong Love. Loving Strength. Courage.

An Exercise for the Constructive, Creative Redeployment of the energy of Anger, Resentment - or Joy!


and adapted from Pierro Ferrucci, the chapter called "The Tigers of Wrath" in his book "What We May Be".


To use the energy of current or residual aggressive drives to fuel constructive projects in our lives and bring benefits. Most of us know that to dig the garden or clean the house furiously can release angry tensions at the same time as producing benefits. This is an extension of the same principle.


1. Pick a constructive project to which you intend and will to give more "steam".

2. Set it aside for a moment, and get in touch with your aggressive feelings. Feel their vibrancy, their vigour, the effect they have upon your body, and , perhaps, the hurt they have caused you and the burdens of using this energy in any detrimental way on yourself or others. Give them 'space' - observe them without judging them or labelling them in any way. For the time of this exercise you are not trying to make them go away, you are accepting them in order to redirect them.

3. Realise that this is now energy that you have at your disposal. It is energy that is precious, and can do things. It is also basically neutral, like electricity or heat. It could be used to hurt. It could also be the propelling power for the project or activity you have chosen. Begin to add loving intention to this energy . Add your love until you are ready for the next step, then:

4. Vividly imagine yourself in the midst of your project, starting at the beginning and working through in your imagination. Call to mind as many details as you can, seeing, feeling, and hearing the sounds that go with all the moves involved, now kindled and intensified by the vitality with which you have chosen to invest them. See the benefits of the completed project , to yourself and others.


Keep records in your journal so you can explore this method objectively and document your results. You can then decide if this has been helpful to you.

"It was rage that motivated me." (Florence Nightingale)

"Good indignation brings out all your power." (Emerson)

"Girl's anger led to best seller." (Headline in newspaper describing how high-school student Susie Hinton was angered by an attack on a fellow-student. She wrote a short story for her class, which blossomed into a novel, "The Outsiders" in 1967, which then became a film made by the same producer who made "The Godfather". The book sold over 4 million copies in the U.S.A. alone, was translated into 7 languages, and became part of the school curriculum in many school systems.)

Aggressive energy has fuelled many creative artists, including Beethoven and Michelangelo.

Mahatma Gandhi described how he would "conserve" his anger at oppression and injustice, not waste it.

Note: A similar exercise to this can be done with the recollection of joyous experiences, or with the recollection of fine sexual energy, to enhance your creativity, in a wonderful way.

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The Safe Release of Bad Feelings.



1. To release or "move out" the BURDEN of current or stored negativity harmlessly . You cannot pour out love if your bucket is totally full of resentment! Can be especially valuable for those who physicalise distress (e.g. cancer, hypertension, heart disease (with care), ulcer, arthritis etc.), find anger management difficult, or deny their own power.

2. To love, care for and restore healthy function to the body by burning up adrenaline and other stress hormones, and by releasing uptight autonomic nervous system sets. To love and care for our relationships - with ourselves, others, and nature by releasing hurt feelings, making space for serenity and peace. To love and care for our minds by clearing them of hurtful thoughts, making space for silence and wisdom. To free our bodies, feelings, and minds thus is an act of love.

3. To make it easier to do the forgiveness process. (Law 10)

4. To help those who fear their own anger to overcome this fear. People who have been seriously abused or witnessed the effects of violence often make a decision to never have anything to do with anger. They may then repress their feelings, and experience themselves as disempowered. And being unable to experience their negative feelings they may also not fully experience the positive ones as well. It's as if by "turning down the volume" on their pain they also turn down their joy. Full and safe expression of deeply held feelings as in this exercise can restore the capacity to experience both anger - and joy.

5. To get information from the unconscious, by bringing to light repressed memories that need the Forgiveness Process. (Law 2)

6. To restore the flow of love. One who cannot release anger safely, blocks love.

7. To assist us in our task of creating Right Human Relationships and Wellness at all levels.

8. As a test to find out if there is any anger stored in us, or to "get ahead", as it were of future anger, by emptying our bucket right out.

9. If you can think of no other reason, it is good exercise!


Arrange a satisfactory place and time, alone or with an unconditional friend. Tell any others near you your intentions, so that neither they nor you are disturbed. You may be helping them by modelling being in charge of releasing your own negativity and restoring right functioning.

Use a short (c. 1/2m.) length of hose and a pillow, or a tennis racquet and a mattress. Carpet beating is an alternative, and socially acceptable - but the use of fixed carpets and vacuum cleaners (in the West, not yet in the Soviet Union) has reduced the opportunities for this good outlet. Imagine the object(s) of your aggressive energy are there in front of you and physically release all your angry or other negative feelings. Do it with love and joy that you are unblocking your love. Loud, unpleasant music can help to reactivate the feelings, and allow you to express any sounds or words that you want to. At first you may feel somewhat ridiculous, but as you take charge and allow your feelings to surface, you may be surprised by their intensity and power. They are, after all, the residue of the "killer instinct" that enabled our ancestors to survive to breed us. In the safe situation you have chosen, allow them room for full expression, even if a part of you thinks it is unseemly. It does not have to be reasonable!

Use your voice. Release words and sounds that are meaningful to you and which need to be released. It is important to free the throat area as well as the rest of the body.

Be unreasonable! Yell out the Anger, Scream out the Fear, Wail out the Grief. Sometimes these emotions merge and overlap, fear or grief turning to rage, rage to grief etc.

You do not need to do this "at" someone, sending hate to them. You can do it just joyfully to free your body of the pent up tensions.

If you discover that you are angry with yourself for something, be aware that it is only a part of your total personality with which your are dissatisfied, that there is another wiser part of you that has chosen to heal, and that once you have released the bad feelings you will be able to heal it all with the Self-forgiveness-of-the-personality process.

Do this vigorously for 15-20 mins., until you feel something like the athlete's "second wind" (neurochemical shift). This may be a sense of completion, accompanied by tears of relief, authentic laughter (unlike the nervous laugh at the beginning), tears and laughter together, or, simply relief.

Sometimes important new understandings have come to people as they do this process.

Long-standing resentments have been "emptied out bit-by-bit" by doing this daily, like spooning it out of a bucket until no more remains. People are often less easily "triggered" for long periods after this exercise.

It is important to do the Forgiveness and Unconditional Love Process after this exercise, to prevent "reinfection".


Document your results in your journal. You can then decide if it has been helpful to you and record how you overcame any difficulties with it. Were there layers - fear, sorrow, anger, information? Did you get to completion, or do you need to do it more? Were there resistances inside you, and how did you overcome them?

Sources: Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, Japanese Industrial Relations practise, and Pierro Ferrucci in "What We May Be" , chapter called The Tigers of Wrath.

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Examples of the value of the catharsis exercise.

The first of these is drawn from the time before I knew how to use the forgiveness process to help people, and a kind of spontaneous forgiveness took place.

1. Greta was the first client I ever offered this exercise to, in the days before emotional release therapies had become more readily accepted:

Greta had had a very happy childhood and adolescence. But at university she became angry and depressed for no apparent reason. She sought counselling, and when that failed she was referred to a psychiatrist. Antidepressants and other therapies were of no avail and she had to drop out of her university studies. She came to pick tobacco, a menial and dirty job, but her angry outbursts meant that farmers tended to dismiss her. She became unemployable.

As she told her story, a cold shudder passed through me. I asked if she felt like committing suicide. She confirmed that that was so, and added that if I sent her to a psychiatric hospital she would certainly find a way to do it.

I felt helpless, thinking that I knew no other treatments to offer her. But another patient a few weeks before had lent me a book describing the catharsis exercise, so I mentioned this to Greta. She was willing to do it, and tore into the pillow offered to her with gusto, making a great deal of noise. I was frightened at what my nurse, or the patients in the waiting room might think, but nothing happened and they did not rush out to call the police to say I was assaulting my female patients!

After 15-20 minutes of vigorously throwing her tantrum, and expressing exactly how she felt, Greta looked up and said "I have not felt as good as this for two years! Thank you." She decided to do this exercise every day before going to work, so that she would not get angry and rude to her employer. She did it every day for three months, sometimes twice a day if her anger built up too much in the day. After three months, it seemed that she had emptied it all out, because there was less and less need for her to do it, until no need at all.

She wanted to know - from where had all this come? We explored this with hypnotic age regression. The only scene she discovered which may have been relevant was of herself as a newly born baby in a hospital ward in the next cot to a baby around whom there seemed to be a great deal of anger. She saw herself somehow "draw off" some of this from the other baby - she was a natural healer before she had words! We were unable to verify this scene, but the explanation seemed to satisfy her, or "ring true" for her.

The follow-up is very significant. Her long-held unconscious anger dissipated, and the depression lifted. She returned to university in a different city and subsequently became a health professional in a large city with responsibility for a department, helping children - still a healer...

2. Two teenage boys, Luke and John, became disturbed a few years after losing their fathers. They had had to grow up very quickly and "become the men in the family" before time. This had inhibited their grief process and healing of their anger at their losses. They began to underachieve at school and get into trouble with authority. Both of them found the anger release of the catharsis exercise enabled them to restore their previous level of functioning at school and home. One of them rewarded me with the sentence: "There ought to be a telephone number where kids like me can ring up and get advice as good as that".

3. A man attended a forgiveness workshop, but could not be present at the time when the group did the catharsis exercise together. Later, when he volunteered for a demonstration of the forgiveness process, he became repeatedly stuck and unable to go on with it. I could not understand why. Someone else in the group pointed out that he had not done the catharsis exercise as they had, and that he was still very "caught" in the emotional level. He went out with my assistant at lunch break and did it fully. Then he found doing the forgiveness process effortless.

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Survival, caution. "Freezing" to avoid detection. Energy for escape (fleeing). Original fears in a baby are said to be only of sudden noises and of falling from a height. Later fears are picked up through experience or teachings of others.


(Especially if ridiculed and not allowed to express or share fear as a child) - phobias, panic attacks, chronic anxiety, obsessive or compulsive thoughts and behaviours (to push away fears). Perception of the world as dangerous, of others as untrustworthy, of oneself as powerless. (= "Victim" or "Doormat" stance in life). Sabotaging oneself to avoid situations perceived as risky or dangerous.


Acknowledge it. Scream it out and/or release anger held at aggressors as above. Lying on one's back and twisting a towel held by a trusted other (reminiscent of an umbilical cord) while screaming can be very effective in starting this catharsis..


Forgive past aggressors. Forgive oneself for continuing any patterns of feeling false guilt or self-diminishment as a result of the incident(s). Healing of the "Inner Child". Giving oneself a "happy childhood" now . Public speaking, martial arts etc.


Quality of the Higher Self seeking expression - Confidence & Courage and the restoration of Unconditional Love. (Courage= rage de la coeur, or rage of the Heart) Restoration of the spontaneity and creativity of the Inner Child.

Remember that a victimised child had no power compared to the adult aggressors/abusers. A whole people oppressed by a totalitarian regime is in a similar situation. In trying to hide the humiliation, beliefs like "I have no power", or, "I will never have anything to do with anger" come into existence, and the will is used to repress feelings. This may operate long after it was appropriate for self-preservation.

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To heal the pain of loss(es).


If not allowed to heal normally, prolonged "numbness", anger or bad moods, depression, self-pity, "inappropriately" crying for almost anything, (the "crushed tears of long ago"), inability to feel or express feelings, and building a "hard outer shell". The worst grief is for the "loss" of Unconditional Love not received as a child, producing a state of chronic grief and a needy search for love in adulthood. A "Poor Me" stance in life.


Wail or cry it out. I believe that the Irish called this "keening" and had professional mourners to help this release. Other similar cultures permit a fuller expression of grief than ours. Share the burden of the loss with unconditionally loving and accepting persons. This may at first seem exhausting physically, but you will be relieved in the long run and lose less energy overall.

Science is now revealing that different chemicals are released from the body when we cry for different reasons - pain, grief, anger, relief, contrition, joy, onions(!), etc., and that this process is a self-healing one. People feel better for having released their feelings in a physical way. It is simply no longer true that "Wise Guys (or Big Boys) don't cry". The tears are better shed, - even the "tears of long ago". We no longer need stop people crying.


To forgive "life" (or "God") or any perceived "causes" for the loss; to forgive oneself for any "errors" of commission or omission with respect to the incident or loss; symbolic rituals - e.g. to plant a tree, give a gift, to do whatever is necessary to say "goodbye" (e.g. gestalt exercises or letters addressing the lost one in imagination) and move on.


The qualities of the Higher Self seeking expression - Acceptance, Understanding, Forgiveness, Unconditional Love of the Source of Life. Self-healing

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To bring about growth through the desire to emulate desirable qualities. True admiration, if pure, brings joy.


Greed, and then Competition, then Jealousy, then Envy. (=wants to do as well as, then better than the admired one, to possess, then wants them to do worse than oneself at any cost, even if destroys what is desired.) Criticism and sabotage (in thought, speech or action) of the one envied, and self-criticism and self-hatred. ("Cassio & Othello" stance in life.)


as for anger, grief, and fear - envy is a very poisonous combination of anger at the admired one, fear of one's own inadequacy, and grief at the loss of supremacy.


Forgiveness of self and other(s). Remembrance that one does oneself have the capacity to emulate the quality admired, as a latent potential in one's own Higher Unconscious. The decision to develop that quality in one's life. Gratitude and restoration of self-love.


Qualities of the Higher Self seeking expression - Acceptance of oneself as one is at present without condemnation, even though one can see where improvements can be made. Unconditional Love. And the development of precisely the qualities perceived and admired in the other from within one's own self.

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A negative or inharmonious feeling produced by unsound judgment about one's Self , transferred from an awareness of an unsound action or thought, which is to help one to recognise when one has been "off target" or in error, and to get back on target again. More than that is an illusion created by faulty perception of the Self.


1. Excessive remorse, or regret beyond what gets us back on target. "Feeling bad about feeling bad". There is a belief that one has failed to meet a demand placed upon one by the Source of life, oneself, or others in a situation. There is an assumption that because one has not met this presumed demand, one must suffer lost love. This can be followed by bringing about the self-punishment that one believes (from past indoctrination or the mass unconscious) is deserved and necessary to pay for the wrong done. . This could be done physically, emotionally, mentally, by holding back one's own growth, or by engaging in negative relationships. It is most often done almost if not totally unconsciously.

2. False guilt can be felt by children who blame themselves for the wrong behaviour of adults ("I must be bad or these bad things would not be happening around me"). "I do not deserve....to get well,......... to be forgiven...etc"

3. Self-hatred. Self destructive behaviours. Denial, or "forgetting" of one's true Self.

4. Failure to experience guilt even when one has done great harm, often accompanied by the belief that one is in the right. This is one of the characteristics of evil, which seeks to inhibit or destroy the potential for spiritual and other growth of others, while projecting the wrong out onto them. (As in genocide).


1-3. To confess one's error to an unconditionally loving person or group (NOT to a collection of critical judges!). 4. Possibly "exorcism" - see Scott Peck, M.D., ":The People of the Lie"11 for a discussion about the nature of evil and the difficulties in diagnosis and management. The need for an absolutely mature and unconditionally loving team of healers is stressed.


To do the Self-forgiveness of the personality process and restore Self-love once more.


Qualities of the Higher Self seeking expression - Acceptance of oneself as one is at present without condemnation, even though one can see where improvements can be made. Unconditional Love. And the development of precisely the qualities perceived and admired in the other from within one's own self.

It is humanity's task to grow by transforming the distortions of primary, beneficial emotions through forgiveness and creative acts infused with love.

The "problems" we have are opportunities to make choices based in love. All negative emotions are related to love. Anger and fear arise when what we love is threatened. Grief arises when what we love is lost to us. Envy arises when what we love seems inaccessible to us. Guilt arises when we forget to love.

Each negative state in another can be seen as a cry love.

Each negative state in ourselves is also a call to us to give more love.

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Drawn from ideas shared by Edith Stauffer, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, Torkom Saraydarian, Alice Bailey, Scott Peck and others before them.


To foster Life. To bring forth the best potential. To extend the Self in the service of the spiritual growth of the loved one and of the whole.12 Goodwill in action. Love evokes, and partners, joy.

The Right building in form, the Right use of form, the Right destructuring of the forms so built when they no longer serve.

To build or restore Right Relationship, Unanimity, Harmony, and Peace.




To first - to love oneself fully

then - special others fully

then all others inclusively

and fully, and through


to love

the Source of Life fully


There are so many ways we use the word love, we can become confused. We use "love" for liking ("I love golf"), for romantic attraction, for maternal, paternal, filial, brotherly, sisterly and group forms of love. Most of these "loves" are conditional upon the loved person or object meeting some expectations in the mind of the one "giving" the love. As we contemplate these many different kinds of "love" we begin to see different "levels" of love, different qualities of energy, and different ways of using the will.

The first level is "conditional love".




Conditional love is like a kind of bargain with the Universe to give you self-love if you "take care of" people. Tends to make others responsible for your needs and happiness. Includes the "Care-taker ", "Good Prostitute", "Reluctant Martyr", "Rescuer ", stances in life. Wants, and to a degree does get, rewards and approval from others. There are secondary gains in this position, though the price paid is being less than one's True Self.

Possessive, holds on when the other grows or heals...and then needs another needy partner. Expectations++. "I will love you (=take care of you) if you are good, clever, white, black, richer, poorer, sicker or more well than me, male, female...etc..." "I love you and if you love me you must promise me...." etc. Can easily feel victimised/angry again when the conditions are not met. Can make the one loved in this way feel very resentful ("hostile dependency"). Dependent on the approval of others.

"Social Activist Level I" ..."Crusader" ("I will fight for peace, - even if I have to kill or assassinate to get it"). Still angry with personalities and more focused on those than upon issues, therefore oversimplifies. "I will love you if you adopt my point of view, the "right" political persuasion....or do what my parents did - or did not do" Easily falls prey to anger or fear, or feels victimised if frustrated. Can explode with frustration and become "Perpetrator" or "Terrorist"; or feel powerless - "Doormat" or "Victim".

This level corresponds in psychosynthesis to the level of the subpersonalities. There is a tendency to "love" only the perceived "victim" in any situation, to identify with the victim, and to hate the perceived "oppressor". Unable to see that the oppressor is also suffering, but in a different way and expressing their suffering differently. Both the victim and the oppressor are giving out a cry for love and for their unmet needs to be met. There is a tendency for one operating at this level to hold others responsible for their happiness (and therefore unhappiness!), and at the same time push love or help away when it has been offered. This often leads to burn-out, or a win-lose situation, in which all are losers. I call this the Bermuda Triangle (see diagram).



Tough Love is less dependent upon others for a sense of self-worth and self-esteem. A more skilled Care-giver. Self-love and self-esteem is enough to take more positive action. Recognises own needs and is willing to take responsibility for getting them met. Can confront caringly. "I love myself enough to love you and tell you the truth"... "I can serve you without manipulations".

Can also receive love with openness, does not push it away when it is offered.

"Social Activist Level II", Can separate people from their actions, more focused on issues than on personalities. "We are separate but equal" "I give you responsibility for your actions, the way you lead your life, and I take full responsibility for mine". Can negotiate assertively - i.e. firmly, but without putting the other party down .

This level corresponds more to the level of the psyche called in psychosynthesis, the personal self. There is more discrimination, will, love and energy.



It is the exploration of what this might be that we do from now on in this seminar - and in life after the seminar! Its mystery and depth cannot be explained. Yet we all recognise its presence and its magic. It reveals itself through joy, which can even increase in adversity. We can learn to see ourselves as moving towards becoming able to express it ever more fully. We can learn the steps in developing this quality, which is still in the process of evolving or revealing itself.

Unconditional love is enlarging the self, and an act of will. It is not a feeling or an emotional reaction. Think of the difference between falling in love, and growing in love through all difficulties and conflicts. Unconditional love is an act of mental and spiritual will, it cannot and does not take place upon the emotional level, which is where the problems first register. Unconditional love is extending oneself in the service of the spiritual growth of oneself and/or another, independently of reward or the behaviour of others.

To truly love in this way could include:-

1. To call forth a sense of responsibility, and a capacity to make wise choices.

2. To point out weaknesses people have, - but very caringly so that the best in the person is drawn forth in response, rather than resistance.

3. To challenge people to strive and attain, and discover their true selves..

4. To help people work on their habits and weaknesses so that they become stronger. To show them how to use their will correctly.

5. To help people learn to cooperate, and thus to overcome their little egos.

6. To engage people in working for humanity.

7. To teach people how to overcome their prejudices, resentments, separative tendencies, vanities, illusions, and other blocks to their own joy.

To truly love in this way does not mean:

1. To surrender to weakness.

2. To accept things that are harmful.

3. To encourage weakness or irresponsibility.

4. To accept dirt or ugliness in thought, feeling or action.

5. To exploit or use people.

6. To put people into sleep.

7. To tolerate laziness.


Unconditional love causes you to see what has really caused a situation and to see through the outer appearances to the true needs or yourself and others, without criticism of yourself or others . It causes you to see the basic good in yourself and other(s).

Unconditionally loving people see their own errors and joyfully self-correct them .

They love themselves, others and the Source of Life, and therefore the whole of life. In particular, they are inclusive, and can maintain love and goodwill towards both the apparent "victim" and "oppressor" in a situation.

They seek to radiate their inner harmony and joy, peace and healing into any situation - without conditions or expectation of reward, and independently of the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others.

They are group conscious and do not react by immediately taking sides.

They serve the cause of peace and goodwill, and can often find ways to a fair solution of conflict that are not available to emotionally charged people. Gandhi taught the use of ahimsa and satyagraha, which is the willingness to cooperate harmlessly with the good intentions of the other for the true benefit of both.

The Forgiveness Process can be seen to be a process which moves us towards this goal of unconditional love.


"Peace on earth will come

when the love of power

is replaced by

the power of love".

(Sri Chinnoy)



The levels of unconditional love

Drawn from Edith Stauffer, "Unconditional Love and Forgiveness".

In the physical body there is warmth and relaxation of muscle tension. Further research is needed to delineate the other physiological effects of unconditional love - on pain, mood, cardiovascular, respiratory, digestive, immune and other systems. And upon bio-rhythms - appetite, sleep, hormonal cycles.

Many categories of drugs are used to counteract the effects of the sustained unforgiving state - muscle relaxants, tranquillisers, analgesics, hypnotics, antidepressants, anti-adrenergic drugs etc. These are very expensive and becoming more so. Unconditional Love is free!

At the emotional level, there is openness, absence of defensiveness, fullness, completeness, and acceptance. Patience, inner peace, kindness, outgoing goodwill are all increased.

On the mental level there is a greater objectivity and understanding, a wider perspective that embraces all points of view, accepts and allows for the differences between people. There is absence of blaming or judgmental criticism.

On the spiritual level one relates to others as one would like to be related to. One accepts others as being of equal worth to oneself. One sees the needs of oneself and others accurately and desires to met those needs if practical. There is an all-pervading feeling of positive, creative, loving energy. One wants to give to others with no sense of "should". One wants to relate to others inclusively. There is an increasing sense of oneness and shared humanity with all. Above all there is trust, a deep sense of inner security and of knowing that for oneself and others all is well within, even in times of deep crisis.

One could say that the state of being unconditionally loving towards oneself, all others, and the Source of Life, and of being unconditionally loved from within, is our "natural state", in the sense that when it is experienced, it is like "coming home". It meets some of our most fundamental needs.

A law that can be tested in the laboratory of life is that one who maintains the attitude of love will also receive love - not necessarily from certain specific individuals, but from the Source of Life and from their own Higher Self.

Transpersonal love is not the same as the other "loves" for which we use that word:- mother love / father love / romantic love / possessive love / sexual love / mateship / loving an activity e.g. golf (cathexis) / loving a place

Most often these are far removed from unconditional love, because they may turn to resentment if one partner disappoints the expectations of the other. These "loves" are often very conditional:- "I will love you provide that you ........................." If the expectations are not met, the love is withdrawn. The word "love" is thus very often used to describe a feeling, and emotion, a desire, but this is not what unconditional love turns out to be.


Beware of the illusion created that your love is unconditional which occurs for as long as your conditions are being met! Under these conditions we may feel as if we have been experiencing love.

When the demands are not met however, we may cultivate an attitude of hostility or resentful indifference, to drive out fear and to feel strong. This "strength" may feel good enough that we entertain it for a long time, not knowing how to transform it into something more worthwhile. In fact we are being weakened and harmed by it. Hostility blinds us to the good in others and ourselves. Cynicism is one variety of this which research has definitely shown to be a health hazard. Hostility closes us to love. It is a defence, a protection against what we perceive as bad. It is natural that we should want to destroy that which we perceive as bad or threatening, but the hate damages us.

Looking for the good or the good potential does not imply ignoring the negative, it is simply a choice to give attention to the good as much or more than to the bad. Energy follows thought.....if you only give water to the weeds in your garden you quickly end up with a garden full of weeds.....

It is unlikely that anyone can live a day without finding that conditions have been put on someone which need to be cancelled in order to maintain the flow of love. Especially those with whom we live and work.

"Forgiveness makes whole

both the forgiver

and the one forgiven"

Edith Stauffer

It is not hard to imagine the different quality of driving that would occur in the resentful state as opposed to driving in a loving state. Or of handling machinery; or of lifting with tight or relaxed back muscles; of teaching in a school; of performing surgery; of nursing; of negotiating in conflict situations in the home or workplace; or internationally. The implications for health care, industrial relations, international peace, or for education are not hard to see.

Link here to return to: Forgiveness Programme - Contents


Joy is not really an emotion. It is more like an energy, a quality of the Higher Self. Happiness is an emotion. Happiness and joy are not the same, though the words are sometimes used as if they were. Happiness is a personality reaction. It is the contentment of your personal emotions, and it disappears when you are disappointed. The search for happiness alone ties you to always seeking your pleasure and avoiding pain. Happiness is the goal of the separated self. But joy can flow through you even in adverse circumstances, if you are in touch with your Higher Self. It is a quality of the Higher Self, or Soul, realised when the lower self aligns itself with the purpose of the Higher Self.

I said earlier that unconditional love reveals itself through joy. This is because it is in alignment with the will of the Higher Self. The following ideas are drawn from Torkom Saraydarian's book "Joy and Healing".


Think of some of (and the sum of) joy's effects:

1. Radiance of the eyes and face.

2. Clarity of thinking, and understanding.

3. Alertness and sensitivity.

4. Vitality and health. Improved physical conditions.

5. Eagerness, and punctuality.

6. Diligence and perseverance in the face of difficulties.

7. Freedom to..... is more than freedom from........

8. Openness.

9. Cooperativeness.

10. Lovingness.

11. It regenerates and heals.

12. It purifies and disperses negativity.

13. It expands.

14. It links people.

15. It strengthens.

16. It helps to unfold the best in anyone or any situation.

17. It harmonises.

18. It magnetises you to the best - to your best qualities, and to the forces of abundance.

19. It energises.

20. It increases endurance.


Joy is increased by cultivating:

1. Forgiveness, deeper love, compassion, gratitude, and contentment.

2. Inclusiveness.

3. Dedication to the seeds of fine qualities within you.

4. Cooperativeness and cooperation with others.

5. Expansion of consciousness and a larger perspective.

6. Contact with your inner Self.

7. The striving towards beauty, service, freedom, and right relations with others and within your own psyche.

8. Causal thinking (thinking deeply about the causes of events, and working with causes more than with effects).

9. Meditation upon divine archetypes - the qualities and forces underlying beauty, wisdom, love, spiritual will, harmony, divine intelligence, order and goodwill, for example.


Joy is decreased by:

1. Anger, hatred, greed, ugliness in thought or action, jealousy or envy.

2. Causing fear to others.

3. Untruth.

4. Lack of goodwill and forgiveness.

5. Pressure.

6. Denying freedom to others.

7. Misuse of others and their belongings.

8. Arrogance, lack of respect.

9. Non-inclusiveness.

10. Insincerity.

11. Gossip. Nosiness.

12. Criticism. Setting goals and expectations for others.

13. Irresponsibility.

14. Trying to own or possess the object of your love.


We can give joy by:

1. Helping others to see truth.

2. Giving them vision and hope for the future.

3. Teaching them how to solve their problems and challenges for themselves.

4. Helping them to contact their inner Self.

5. Helping them discover and increase their creativity.

6. Helping them be grateful, giving, and sharing.

7. Helping them give joy to others.


To give joy does not mean:

1. To flatter people.

2. To bribe people.

3. To try to please people.

4. To yield to people's appetites and habits.

5. To allow people to deceive you.

6. To allow people to follow a destructive path.


There is also joy in service:

1. From working in with a group.

2. In the contrast between the dark struggle and holding on through difficult conditions and the light of fruition of wise and loving plans.

3. In the strengthened links of tried and trusted companionship that can arise through shared adversity or suffering.

4. In the peace that lies in the heart of any victory over odds.

5. In the consciousness of days well spent, bringing greater love, wisdom, or strength to people in a needy world.

6. In lifting up a needy brother or sister a little higher on the ladder of their growth, helping them to grow in love, wisdom, or inner strength. In helping them to express the qualities of their inner, or Higher Selves.


True love and joy increase in adverse conditions and when given away. Happiness can be foregone in trying circumstances, but joy can be known in the midst of profound personality distress and unhappiness. Joy is of the Soul. It has been said that we would do well to work towards joy, not for it. Happiness is but the result of achieved personality desire. Joy is the expression of the Soul, or Higher Self. Joy is a quality that grows out of Self-realisation. Joy lets in the light. Joy is a special kind of wisdom.



Points of crisis are useful

in calling in the

power of the Soul.


The "anatomy" of unconditional love is further to be understood through practising the Goodwill Patterns or transpersonal mind-sets (see the section about these).


Drawn with gratitude from "Joy and Healing", by Torkom Saraydarian. I strongly recommend you to get this inspiring book for the greater details in it about the nature of joy and how we can apply and increase it in the lives of ourselves and those around us. See resources list for source reference.




Joy Exercise I

1. Close eyes and relax.

2. Remember the earliest joy you experienced.

3. Where was it? When? What was the weather? What time of day? What was the environment? What were you wearing? How did you look? Were there other people there? Who? Go slowly and get as many details as possible from your memory.

4. Now re-experience the same joy as if it were happening in the present. Feel the joy all through your nature.

5. Do it several times, letting it become clearer and more real. Home in on this memory, eliminate other memories for the time being. Set your analytical mind to rest during this time, so that you are free from its interference. Simply enjoy the memory and experience as a little child would, with openness and wonder.

6. It is possible that emotion will surface and you may cry - let the tears flow but continue to set free the joy in the experience.

7. Continue to experience the joy as you experienced it in the past. Be the age you were when you experienced the joy.

8. Now let your "past being" enjoy the experience, and you observe what is happening to the that person who is re-experiencing his/her past joy. Observe what is happening to his/her mind, emotions, and body. Observe the effect of his/her joy on others and on the environment. Go slowly and be clear in your observations.

Note: Saraydarian recommends that you can do this for 1/2-2 hours, and 3 times a week if you choose. It is best to wait 2 hours after eating, or 6 hours after sexual relations, to avoid doing it before you want to go to sleep (it may energise you too much), and to avoid doing it if you are too tired (rest physically first). Avoid hurry, do it patiently.

Use other experiences of joy after the first week. Imagine your body surrounded and penetrated by white light at the end of each session, to deepen your calmness and serenity. Take care to re-orient yourself back into your practical life situation bringing some of the joy with you to express in your daily life. After going over 7 experiences of joy, rest from the exercises for 15 days and really express this joy in your daily life.

After 6 months move on to the next exercise, with the same guidelines.


Joy Exercise II

1. Remember an event in which you witnessed some other person who was really in joy. Feel, understand, re-experience his/her joy.

2. See the person as s/he was. See yourself as you were. Remember the time, weather, other people, etc.

3. Observe the way the other person was in joy - physically, emotionally, and mentally - the details of eyes, voice, words, movement or stillness.

4. Now share the joy, not being this other person but sharing . Get more details and depth, and then observe how the joy was transferred to you and why.

5. Do this 3 times a week, then find a new person each week, for 6 months.


Joy Exercise III

Remember an event in which a person shared your joy. (This is the reverse of exercise II). Observe how and why your joy was felt and experienced deeply by the other person.


Joy Exercise IV

Remember joys you intentionally caused others.


Joy Exercise V

Remember joys others intentionally caused to you.


Joy Exercise VI

Remember joys from Nature, - again and again, flowers, meadows, rivers, the sea, waterfalls, trees, forests, rainbows, sunrises and sunsets, birds, insects, animals......


Joy Exercise VII - Creating a new identity.

Make a list of 30 or so good qualities you have stored within you. Taking one quality daily for one month, think for 5-10 minutes how you can increase this quality in yourself, harmlessly, quietly, without expecting recognition from anyone else. Also become aware of the obstacles in you to the expression of these good qualities, and see ways of getting past them.


Joy Exercise VIII

Be selective - choose specifically physical joys, then emotional joys, then mental joys (creativity, reasoning, thinking, speaking etc.) to observe differences and subtleties.


Joy Exercise IX - Creating joy in the imagination and the radiation of joy.

1. Visualise a mountain on which you are walking. See the flowers, bushes, greenery, rivers, waterfalls - build the experiences you like best into it. Feel and smell the flowers, touch the trees and bushes, listen to the birds, lie on your back in the sunshine - let everything go and feel joyful.

2. See light between the leaves of trees. See a lovely little bird or animal coming close to you and allowing you to touch and stroke it. See your body as it lies there, and you are watching your body. In your imagination fly up to the top of a tall tree, and see the whole valley, everything very beautiful. Even fly up onto a cloud if you feel like it. Look down at the scene and your body peacefully lying there.

3. While up there, start to sing something beautiful that you love, to every creature that can hear it, with love and joy.

4. Send a ray of joy to someone, like a beam of light. People you love, family, friends, parents, people alive or dead. No judgment, no rationalisations, just sending joy - to sick people, depressed people, unsuccessful people....be a fountain of joy.

5. Send joy to your body, its energy (or etheric), and its physical nature. You may like to imagine it like violet light, and take it to every part in turn, front and back, and deep within. Use blue light to disperse cloudy areas, then pour in more joy. (There are many kinds of colour meditations, sending different colours to different energy centres of the body. The most important factor is that there should be the subtle qualities of love and joy carried on the colours you choose).


Joy Exercise X - creating future joy

1. Create a future event in your imagination and radiate joy into it. See yourself joyfully performing some service that will bring benefit and joy to yourself and others.

2. Imagine a success, a future enterprise or special work you are planning to do. Visualise yourself becoming whatever is your vision for your best self, your highest dream actualised - infused with joy. Repeat this several times, for 30-60 minutes.

3. Rub your hands together and touch your face and eyes, before opening them.


Joy Exercise XI

1. Feel extreme joy throughout your body, emotions, and mind. Really sense what joy is. Sense it your toes, hands, bones, arms, legs, abdomen, chest, spine, neck, face, tongue, head... inside and out, all over, a complete unit. See joy radiating out.

2. Radiate joy out as much as you like with all parts of your body, especially your hands. Send it to all parts of this troubled planet, in turn, and to all kingdoms in nature. And if you cry in joy as you do this, the tears will be quite different to the tears your cry in sadness.


Meditation on Joy

We cultivate joy in the field of our consciousness by sowing the seeds of joy in it. The harvest is great. Dedicate some time each week to the cultivation of joy.

1. Relax, physically, emotionally, mentally.

2. Inhale joy into your being, and exhale joy, three times.

3. Focus your consciousness above your head, and visualise a beautiful rainbow between two mountains.

4. Let the beauty of the rainbow fill your whole nature with additional joy.

5. Meditate on the seed thought: "Joy is harmony between the Self and the Cosmic Self, emotionally sensed, intellectually approved, intuitionally actualised" (or one below).

6. After 15-20 minutes, record your thoughts and experiences in a special book.


On the evening of the same day review your day:

1. Relax.

2. Was I joyful today? All day?

3. What effects do I see in my nature and in the natures of others with whom I relate?

4. Did I see the wisdom of joy in action?

5. Did I see the relationship between joy and the clarity of my consciousness?

6. Record your finding in your notebook.

Here are some other seed thoughts that could be used - seven weeks for each one you use is a useful time to stay with one of them:

1. Joy is a special wisdom.

2. Joy is bliss in manifestation.

3. Joy is energy, and it obeys certain laws, as electricity does.

4. Joy wipes out negativity and conflict in my nature.

5. Joy creates right human relations.

6. Wherever joy is, there can also be seen the presence of beauty, goodness, true righteousness, and freedom.

7. Joy thoughts travel farther and more deeply into the Cosmos, and they evoke constructive and creative energies.

8. Joy affects plants, trees, objects, and human beings, and helps them to unfold harmoniously.

9. Joy accumulates those energies which are used to travel to higher spheres.

10. Joy evokes peace.

11. In the fire of joy, no evil can exist.

12. Joy exists and increases in sharing it with all living things.

13. Harmlessness is the forerunner of joy.

14. Perfection is achieved by ascending the ladder of joy.


Link here to go on to: Levels of the Self

Link here to return to: Forgiveness Programme - Contents

In case you want to go to other parts of the Introductory Section this part of the Contents page is given again here:

These three articles are to help to prepare you to use the processes

The Need for forgiveness and the Purpose of using a Forgiveness Process

The Healing Journey

Demythologising forgiveness - truths and untruths

This article is to help you to find out whom you may need to forgive in order to become "clear"

Getting your Forgiveness Agenda

These five articles are to assist you with theoretical background related to the psychosynthesis framework for human development, and the way our bodies, emotions, minds, and souls can work together. You may also like to refer to them if you are not clear about the way some of the terms are used

Emotional Health - Feelings & befriending the so-called negative emotions

Levels of the Self

The Will & the Mind

Higher Self and some thoughts on Meditation

Psychological Laws

This article introduces the Aramaic words from the Code of Conduct of mind-sets which lead to right human relationships. Combined with the Forgiveness Processes, and Clear Communication skills this is a most powerful combination for bringing the ability to love into your life.

Patterns of Unconditional Love in Action - The Goodwill Patterns