Welcome to the 2002 edition of our annual Holiday Gift Guide,
which was recently ranked No. 1 among all gift guides, based on a
J.D. Power and Associates survey of people who believe they
originated outside our solar system.
This is the gift guide for people who are sick and tired of
giving the same old ''ho-hum'' type of holiday gift that somebody,
somewhere, might conceivably want. There is no way that anybody on
your holiday list, even with the aid of powerful pharmaceuticals,
could be harboring a desire for any of the items in this gift guide.
These items have been selected because they are truly unique ''one
of a kind'' items that are sure to induce a surprised reaction from
the lucky recipient, possibly involving paramedics.
How do we find the items in this gift guide? We make the extra
effort, that's how. We dig. We root around. We pound the pavement.
We search every nook and cranny. We leave no stone unturned. We
scour the globe. We think outside the box. Sometimes we scour the
box. We give 110 percent, take it to the next level and execute our
game plan. We know that there is no ''I'' in ''team,'' and when the
going gets tough, the tough get going, because when it comes to
gut-check time, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the
size of the fight in the dog.
Seriously, we spend maybe 15 minutes ordering stuff by phone. But
it's all real stuff. That is the special promise of the Holiday Gift
Guide: These are all actual products that somebody is actually
selling in exchange for actual money. You may find this hard to
believe in the case of certain gifts -- the menopause pop-up book
springs to mind -- but it's true. We know this because we have
purchased all of these items (except for the Theme Coffins) (Yes!
Theme Coffins!) using our corporate charge card, which any day now
will be forcibly taken from us by armed corporate security
Not only have we purchased these gift items, but we have also
subjected each and every item to the extremely demanding Holiday
Gift Guide Quality Testing Procedure, which is based on the testing
procedure of Consumer Reports magazine, and which involves three
STEP ONE: We receive the item in the mail.
STEP TWO: We give the item to Raul the Photographer, so he can
take a funny picture of it.
STEP THREE (optional): Weeks later, we wonder whatever happened
to the item after Raul was done with it.
Exhaustive? Yes. Almost pathologically thorough? Yes. But it is
because of this Quality Testing Procedure that we are able to offer
you, the consumer, our famous:
HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE WARRANTY OF GUARANTEED ASSUREDNESS: If, for
any reason whatsoever such as permanent facial scarring or sudden
unexpected death, you are less than 100 percent satisfied with your
Holiday Gift Guide purchase, simply call our Toll-Free Hotline
number and try to reach one of our customer-service representatives.
We say ''try,'' because we do not actually have a Toll-Free Hotline
number, or customer-service representatives. But your call IS very
important to us.
OK, enough of the ''legal fine print.'' Let's get to this year's
Holiday Gift Guide.
Judi Smith, ABC Costume Shop, Franco Carreti, Jose Iglesias,
Gabriela Iglesias, Amelia Iglesias, Vicente Kaufhold, Kachelle
Kaufhold, Kelly Kaufhold, Fred Karrenberg, Andy Chifari, Liz
Chifari, Valory Greenfield, Winston Townsend, Paul Borden, Ron
Magill, Dan Fitzgerald, Bea Moss, Raul F. Rubiera, Suzy Mast,
Wilfredo Lee, Tim Chapman, Michael Marko, Jon O'Neill, Aileen
Torres, Lisette Elguezabal, Joaquin Muñoz, C.W. Griffin, Patrick
Farrell, Lucy Farrell, Jodi Mailander Farrell, Barbara Hernandez,
Marimer Codina, and Jorge Rubiera.