STADIUM PAL

A bag that is strapped to the leg and attached to the wearer via a tube, the Stadium Pal becomes your favorite drinking buddy. There's no need for bathroom breaks with this pal hanging around.

$24.95 plus shipping and handling from Liberated Spectator, P.O. Box 53893, Cincinnati, Ohio 45253; 1-877-782-3675; Internet: www.stadiumpal.com.

Suggested by Jeff Berkowitz of Miami.

Do you have a man on your holiday gift list who -- like so many men -- sometimes goes to the bathroom?

If so, he needs a Stadium Pal. This is a bag that is strapped to the leg and attached to a tube, which is in turn attached to the wearer in a way that enables him to discreetly relieve himself anywhere. Think of the advantages! Say you're at a football game with the guys, enjoying cold refreshing beverages. One by one, all your friends have to get up and go to the stadium restroom, where they face long lines, not to mention predatory bacteria the size of hamsters.

But not you! Thanks to your Stadium Pal, you can remain comfortably in your seat, enjoying the game, continuing to consume beverage after beverage, and relieving yourself whenever you want! You won't have a worry in the world, other than the fact that you will eventually have to get yourself home while transporting a large quantity of urine in a bag strapped to your leg. (``Hey, what's that sloshing sound?'')

But the Stadium Pal is not just for sports fans: It's for any man who cannot leave what he is doing to go to the bathroom. For example, it would be perfect for the man who has to give a lengthy commencement address (``In conclusion, members of the Class of 2002, let me just say, ahhhhhhhhhhhh'').

Don't spread this around, but we have been told that Mr. Luciano Pavarotti would not dream of going on stage without his Stadium Pal. This product may also explain why the Dalai Lama always looks so peaceful.